


Lacuna

by CalMore



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-06 03:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8733370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalMore/pseuds/CalMore
Summary: Yuuri Katsuki was at the top of his game before a horrendous injury at the 2018 World Championships. It rapidly starts to affect his career, his family, and the love of his life, but he has no idea that it's happening. A story of an unbreakable love between two people, and one who's soul will ache to the core to save the other.





	1. Slow Motion

**Author's Note:**

> **Any sentences in italics are spoken in the native language of the character**
> 
> Russian/Japanese:  
> Moya lyubov – my love  
> Ya lyublyu tyebya - I love you  
> Aishiteru - I love you

 

> **Lacuna**
> 
> _(n.) (Latin) a blank space, a missing part_

 

* * *

 

 

The feint glow of moonlight lit a single beam of white over the bed sheets of the hotel room; Yuuri was curled up under the plush bed sheets that were satin-like to the touch, cradling his phone in his hands. His glasses were slightly crooked on his face from the position he was laying in, artificial light bouncing off his face. His earbuds were tucked in his ears and he almost felt like nostalgically closing his eyes as the familiar piano started to play.

He watched himself start to skate on the screen, slowly stretching his arms up and gliding out in to the ice rink. Watching his old routine made him desperately want to go out and skate it again; he could feel the muscles in his legs and arms twitching in time with the movements he was watching onscreen. Yuri on Ice was by far his favourite routine he’d performed by himself, the first collaborative dance created by himself and Victor. It was infinitely special to him, and every time he heard the music start to play his heart swelled with emotion.

He’d hardly noticed the soft smile that had crept onto his face as he clicked replay over and over and over. He felt by now that it had become a ritual for him to watch his most beloved routine the night before another competition. The new short program he and Victor had choreographed was beautiful; it had been almost a year and a half since Victor had composed Eros for him to perform. It was still dynamic and eye-catching, but through Victor’s philosophy of constantly surprising the audience they had made his routine more of a performance; an emotional story of turmoil and struggle. It was very touching and he was convinced he’d once moved Victor to tears in practice without the music even playing. Despite his new programs being different to Eros or Yuri on Ice he still loved to watch the first routines that Victor made for him, it made him wonderfully nostalgic of when they first met.

As he started to think fondly of his partner, on cue the door bled in a warm light to the room as he entered. He slowly closed the door and crept in as Yuuri took out his earbuds and pulled the covers up to his nose.

Victor appeared a vision as he came into view – dressed in an Armani tux with his signature overcoat slung over his shoulder. He loosened his tie and unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt before looking to Yuuri in surprise. “Yuuri?” he said just above a whisper.

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri replied shyly, “I couldn’t sleep.”

Victor arched an eyebrow at him with a hand on his hip, but sighed and lent him a gentle smile in submission. “I don’t know why I bother telling you to get and early night before a competition anymore.”

Yuuri gave an apologetic smile in response as Victor sat next to him on the bed, taking his hand in his as he brought it to his lips and kissed him tenderly. He continued to kiss each of his fingers as Yuuri smiled warmly at him asking, “So how was the party?”

“Mm, it was fun, I wish you would have stayed longer,” he hummed. “Phichit asked where you’d gone after you left, he seemed sad that he couldn’t speak to you longer.”

A sting of guilt pinched Yuuri’s stomach. “Yeah, I haven’t seen him since the four continents.”

Seeing Yuuri’s eyebrows knit together in worry, Victor quickly added, “Ah- but It’s alright he wasn’t upset for long – you know him, he was only quick to talk about how he wants to go out shopping in Milano with you soon.” Yuuri looked up at him with puppy dog eyes that melted his heart every time, “I hope you’ll buy me something nice when you go,” Victor grinned at him. “I’ve been wanting a new coat, you know. You could get it for me as an early birthday present.”

Yuuri started to ease up his expression and laughed as Victor fell into his lap with a deceivingly innocent look in his eyes. “Your birthday is nine months away, I’m not getting you anything _that_ early.”

“But I’m going to be old! I need lots of nice things to distract me from my old age,” Victor whined.

“Ah yes, my gross thirty-year-old boyfriend. It’ll be like dating a grandpa.”

“Yuuri,” Victor drawled out his name with a grumble, “Don’t say it out loud you’ll make me depressed.” He proceeded to sweep a dramatic hand up to his forehead with all seriousness and fret, but all this earned him was more laughter from Yuuri as his hand found its way into Victor’s silky hair.

Yuuri bent down to plant a kiss on Victor’s head before moving over his face, waiting for him to move his drama queen hand from obscuring his lips. Victor looked up to Yuuri’s smiling brown eyes and moved his hand so Yuuri could close the gap between them. They both smiled into the kiss as Victor moved his hand to Yuuri’s cheek, brushing his thumb over his skin. Yuuri leaned back a little to brush their noses together softly, “No matter how old you get, you’ll always be the same Victor Nikiforov to me.”

There was a tender pause before Victor whispered back, “So you _do_ think I’m old?”

And just like that Yuuri pushed Victor onto the floor with an unceremonious _thud_.

As much as his leg hurt a bit from the fall, Victor was only tremendously laughing. He rolled onto his back to see a pouting Yuuri poking his face out over the edge of the bed. “You better not have made me ruin this suit, Yuuri,” he smiled up at him with a playful tone.

Yuuri grumbled “Then just take off your precious suit if you’re worried about ruining it.”

“Oh?” Victor quirked an eyebrow at Yuuri who was trying to act nonchalant, but the red hue that started to gather at his ears gave him away. He shuffled his jacket and shoes off before he climbed back on to the bed and lay down next to Yuuri who naturally wrapped a leg around his waist. Victor let out a soft laugh, “You’re so easy to tease, _moya lyubov_.”

Yuuri loved when Victor called him Russian names, it always made his stomach flutter. Victor wrapped his strong arms around Yuuri, making him feel loved, warm and safe; a feeling no one else could ever come close to making him feel. He let out a pleasant sigh and melted into him, letting Victor gently kiss the top of his head everywhere he could reach, whilst he made small circles and patterns with his fingers on Victor’s back. This was always where he felt most at home; holding each other close with no distraction – no noise, no talking – just listening to their heartbeats that eventually beat in sync at the proximity. It was so tender and beautiful; he wanted to stay there forever.

Victor broke the silence first with a slightly firmer and longer kiss atop Yuuri’s head, “Why don’t we have a bath together and then go to bed. It’ll be good for your muscles before your big day tomorrow.” Yuuri let out a soft hum in agreement and let Victor help him sit up. He sat on the edge of the bed as Victor gave him a lingering kiss on the forehead, “I’ll get it ready, wait for me.”

His voice was like chocolate and never failed to give Yuuri goosebumps. “Okay,” Yuuri replied with a small blush and a smile.

Yuuri sat and listened to the running water and breathed in the scent of lavender bath salts; Victor had bought them as a gift for Yuuri in Milan as he knew he had trouble sleeping before big competitions – and the World Championships were the biggest before the Olympics. He let the scent fill him up as he breathed in and let a long, happy sigh out. He turned around to lay face down on the bed so that he could grab his phone. He searched through his music gallery until he found an instrumental playlist he made for special moments he and Victor shared, then connected it to the TV so it could be played throughout their hotel room.

As he started to close his eyes and surround himself in music, he felt a pair of hands on his lower back start to massage. He smiled and hummed, turning around to face his partner. Victor gave him a smile like a million stars and pulled him to his feet, placing a hand on Yuuri’s lower back, and holding his hand in the other. Slowing they started to sway and move in time with the music; due to all the dancing required for ice skating, they were both very beautiful at it without blades just as much with. They did a slow rendition of a routine they liked to perform together, moving around the room, smiling and giggling like they had just found out what love was all over again. Victor slowed them down again to tilt Yuuri’s chin to meet his lips.

They touched foreheads together tenderly as Yuuri said softly, “The bath will get cold, Victor.”

“You’re right,” Victor kissed his hand, “Let’s go get undressed.”

They both walked to the bathroom holding hands and started to undress each other. Though sometimes they did this with more passion, they both loved it as a caring intimate act; not needing a burning passion filled with kisses and heat to appreciate each other as they were. Victor giggled at the sight of Yuuri’s steadily steaming up glasses from the heat of the bath and kissed the bridge of his nose as he removed them for him. Taking Yuuri’s hand once again he guided them both into the bath, sitting at the back so Yuuri could lay on his chest, nestling his head into the crook of his neck. Victor heard Yuuri let out little sigh and let him relax like that for a while, stroking up and down his arms gently, occasionally planting a small kiss on his temple. Victor loved being able to create moments like this for Yuuri, he knew how much he suffered with stress with anxiety, so to see him so happy and relaxed was feeling like no other – it made his heart want to burst with relief and happiness.

Suddenly Yuuri’s head dipped slightly before he made a sleepy whine, “Ah, I was falling sleep.”

Victor grinned from ear to ear and coddled him up in his arms, “Yuuri, you’re too adorable for words!” Yuuri groaned in protest, making Victor giggle again. He pressed his cheek to Yuuri’s head, “Let’s wash your hair before you get too sleepy then.”

Yuuri smiled and let Victor lower his shoulders and head into the water. Yuuri adored having his hair washed, the sensation made every part of him dissolve and sing. The gesture was also very intimate in Japanese culture and made it even more special to him. He sat back up again for Victor to lather up his hair with luxurious soap that he would splurge on just for him; Yuuri always protested at his expensive gifts, but Victor always insisted he should only have the best of everything. Victor’s hands ran through his hair over and over as he massaged his head and down to his shoulders as well. Laying his head back in the water once more, Yuuri though he might melt there and then from being so relaxed.

“Let’s get to bed now, Yuuri, before you fall asleep in the bath and catch a cold,” Victor smiled as he moved forward to stand up. He got out the bath first so that he could fetch robes for them both. He wrapped himself up and held it open for Yuuri to put his arms in, then enfolded his arms around him and kissed his cheek. They both lazily brushed their teeth before turning off the lights and music, then snuggled up to each other under the covers.

“Victor,” Yuuri whispered.

“Yuuri?” he smiled in returned.

“Do you think tomorrow will be okay? I’ve been struggling in practice recently, particularly with the quad flip.” Yuuri’s eyebrows went to meet each other again in apprehension, but Victor placed a finger there before they could.

“You always worry too much before competitions, Yuuri. You’ll have time to practice as usual before you perform, and even then, if you don’t feel up to it you don’t have to make it a flip; you could make it a triple or even a double if you wanted. But never mind any of that now, you need to rest. No more talk about the program until we’re at the rink tomorrow, okay?”

Yuuri nodded and pushed hard at the anxious feeling creeping up on him to the back of his mind. He nestled up to Victor and curled himself around him. Victor used to be horrendous at helping him calm down when he started to worry, and he still wasn’t perfect at it sometimes, but he had done wonderfully so far, and he felt calm and warm as sleep started to lull him. Before he let sleep take him, he whispered in his mother tongue what they would always say before seeing each other in the morning, “ _Aishiteru_ , Victor.”

“ _Ya lyublyu tyebya_ , Yuuri.”

 

* * *

 

 

When morning rolled around, it was in stark contrast to the peaceful night before, yet Yuuri always felt like Victor would make the morning of a competition feel like Christmas. He would wake up before Yuuri to shower and order breakfast for him (always something full of protein and plenty of vitamin pills). Then he’d hurry him to get ready so they could go to the gym for Yuuri to warm up, often joining in on the running machine and stretches. They ran into a few other friends too – Yurio was just leaving the gym as they got there, so of course both the skaters ran to wish him well for the competition to only be told to ‘ _get away_ ’ by their friend they were so fond of. Chris was staying in the same hotel as them and wished Yuuri good luck with a cheeky squeeze of his ass and an aggressively firm hand on the shoulder from Victor. But throughout the day everything seemed to enthuse Victor; not to mention every time they walked past a poster mentioning the world class event that day that has Yuuri’s name at the top of the list – he almost burst with excitement every time.

These things surprisingly put Yuuri a bit more at ease; he would smile fondly in his silly boyfriend’s direction and hold his hand everywhere they went. Soon enough they had to start preparing for the event, and so headed to the rink to dress for the short program. When they arrived, Victor left Yuuri to change into his outfit with a peck on the cheek, “I’ll wait outside, _Lyubov_.”

“Okay, _Vitya_ ,” Yuuri replied with the name that always left Victor’s heart fluttering.

In his own private changing room, Yuuri pulled on his beautiful costume. The pants were a rich scarlet red that faded to black at the knees, infused with glittering crystals down the outside of his thighs. The top was a crisp white shirt of a thin, silky material that was slightly baggy so that it waved in the wind whilst he skated. The bottom of the shirt was the same scarlet that then faded to white below his chest – the outer arms coated in white crystals. He slicked his hair back as he did for all his performances, but before he left he looked at himself in the mirror.

A nagging feeling pulled at his gut. He tried hard to breath and calm himself, but he couldn’t shake the uneasiness. He frowned at his reflection, “ _I’ll be fine_ ,” he told himself, shaky breaths between talking, “ _I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine_.”

Suddenly there was a knock at the door that distracted him from his muddled thoughts, “Yuuri?” Victor peaked around the corner of the door, “Can I come in?”

“Yes, come in.”

As Victor entered his eyes softened and he let out a breathless sigh, “Yuuri,” he almost seemed to purr him name as he came close quickly to hold him by the waist, “You look so beautiful. That costume looks incredible on you.” He kissed his cheek and neck gently.

Yuuri started to blush as he realised Victor had left the door wide open, “Ah- Victor,” he laughed lightly and smiled at his lovey-dovey partner, “We should head to the rink.”

“I’m sorry, you’re right,” Victor laughed back.

They went to head out the door, but the pull of his gut stopped him in his tracks to drag Victor back slightly by the hand. Victor turned around surprised, giving Yuuri a questioning look. On instinct Yuuri abruptly yanked Victor into a tight embrace, squeezing him hard with both arms. Victor hesitated for only a moment before hugging Yuuri back just as hard.

“You’ll do great, Yuuri,” he whispered tenderly, holding the back of Yuuri’s head in his hand. He wondered what had Yuuri so concerned today; maybe because he was first up? Was it because of the quad he’d been struggling with? He made a note to himself to make a big show of praising Yuuri later to discourage him feeling so nervous tomorrow with the free skate. Victor had a feeling that Yuuri was going to win Worlds this year. In 2017 he had been so close, placing second to Jean-Jacques because even though his performance was perfect, his technical difficulty was lower than JJ’s. But this year JJ hadn’t been doing so well, and Yuuri was taking full advantage. Victor wanted to see Yuuri holding the gold medal, to be praised to the high heavens for his stunning performances, to see his happiness when he got told he was the best in the world; and to, at that moment, propose.

Victor had been planning for months. He’d wanted to be engaged to Yuuri for so long, but feared it might be too soon and he didn’t want to scare Yuuri. But he was confident and wanted nothing more than to stay by Yuuri for the rest of his life; to keep him happy for as long as he could. He wanted to see more of the world with him, to make a home together, collect photos and paintings and souvenirs of their lifetime and share them together. Victor wanted all of Yuuri’s smiles and frowns, the nervous tears and beautiful laughs, the way his nose would twitch in his sleep, how he would look like a hamster when he ate, how his legs would curl around him at night, and how he would always call his name like a prayer. He wanted all of Yuuri Katsuki.

Victor was so excited at the thought of his proposal he had been holding the ring with him for days; he would look at it when he was alone and wonder how beautiful it would look on Yuuri’s hand. The thought made him smile into Yuuri’s shoulder.

“Okay,” Yuuri whispered, making Victor pull back to look at him, “I’m ready.”

Victor could still see a glimmer of hesitation in Yuuri’s dark eyes, but he smiled, proud of how brave he was, “Okay,” Victor said assuredly.

The pair headed to the rink as camera’s followed them, begging insight on how they were feeling in anticipation of the contest. Who do you think will win? Are you nervous? Is it true you have been struggling to land your quads this year? Is this your last season? But Victor took a protective arm around Yuuri and only tossed back a wave at the reporters before heading onto the competition floor.

Yuuri looked around to all his fellow competitors he could see – they were all stretching, clothed in their national uniform jackets, talking to their coaches or teammates. Michele was being interviewed left right and centre by the Italian press, living for the moment to make his country proud. Phichit was stretching before he spotted Yuuri and waved excitedly. Yuuri smiled and waved back, but then turned away to face Victor, taking a deep breath.

“Let’s get your skates,” Victor offered. It had become a ritual for victor to put on Yuuri’s skates for him. “Are they tight enough?” he checked whilst tying the laces. Yuuri gave a firm nod and stood after Victor tenderly stroked his ankles as a comforting gesture.

Yuuri stepped through the gap in the ice rink to face Victor before skating off for the practice, “Remember,” Victor looked at him seriously, “don’t practice any quads if you don’t feel confident in them; it’ll only make you more nervous for your performance. Just stretch out and do small jumps, okay?”

Yuuri hummed in response and gave Victor’s hand a squeeze before skating off around the edge of the rink.

He passed by everyone he would be facing, but he stayed focused on his own bubble. He was thinking over and over about his quad; he did a few double and single jumps to warm up, but couldn’t shake thinking about the quad flip. He tried not to frown in thought as he glided round the ice, also practicing a few moves in his step sequence. Yuuri bit at his lip and eventually psyched himself up to practice the flip. He looked up to check he had room and sped up his skating. He skated round backwards before taking a deep breath and jumped up into the flip, doing, one, two, three, four, rotations and landing smoothly back down on the ice. He let out his anxious breath, looking around for Victor to give him a reassuring smile; Victor was beaming back at him.

After the warm up Yuuri skated over to Victor at the edge of the rink, “I did it! It was clean as well, did you see?”

Victor grabbed Yuuri’s forearms and grinned, “I told you; nothing to worry about, the flip was perfect!” he paused to think before continuing, “But the mid-part of your step sequence you were practicing was sloppy, I hope you were only doing that because it’s a practice.”

Yuuri smiled in disbelief and started to laugh, “Yes, coach, I’ll do better I promise.”

Victor smiled approvingly and then looked behind Yuuri, “It’s time.” He took Yuuri’s hands and Yuuri leant his forehead to his.

“Please watch me as you always do,” Yuuri said just above a whisper as he gave Victor a loving kiss.

Victor felt the smallest of blushes on his face as he saw Yuuri do the same. They slowly let their hands fall away from the other as Yuuri started to push away from the wall, but Victor stopped him quickly.

“I love you, Yuuri.”

“I love you more.”

With that Yuuri skated to the centre of the rink with the ceremonious call of his name and a cheer from the crowd. He got to his starting position, and with a last look to Victor, he waited for the music to start. As the tune started, Yuuri moved slowly and carefully in time with the music, waiting before it suddenly sped up in dynamic chorus. He skated passionately around the ice, acting avidly with the theme of the song. He glided back to do his first quad toe loop that he landed cleanly with a roar of applause. The pace of the song seemed to ardently speed up; Yuuri dancing at such speed over the ice, earning praise after praise from all the commentators. He continued to do triple after triple, the audience going wild at his performance full of energy; no one could look away. With the audience in the palm of his hand Yuuri tried to well up as much confidence as he could for his upcoming flip. He knew he could pull it off, he had just landed it perfectly in the practice, and if he had done it once he could do it again.

Then everything seemed to slow down as he approached the flip. He could feel the softness of the silk fabric waving over his skin like the rippling ocean, and the ice scraping and sliding beneath his feet. Some of his hair had fallen over his forehead that had begun to glisten with sweat that was dripping down his cheek. His breath was slow and controlled, inhaling and exhaling over his lips that were starting to chap. Cold air blew through his poised fingers and whistled through his ears, mingled with the muffled sounds of cheers and clapping. He thought about the time he first attempted a flip in his free skate in the Grande Prix Final, when the crowd had gone wild; when Victor had been more surprise than anyone. When he ran to meet him. When he first kissed him. Victor was just in view - very briefly - but he was smiling, and he was so beautiful.

Yuuri felt his legs tense as his body took over into the jump.

He did one. Two. Three… not enough.

Gravity hit like a wall. His ankle caught the ice.

His knee hit first. Then ribs. Arm. Wrist.

Head.


	2. Into The Abyss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Panic sets in as the reality of Yuuri's accident hits Victor hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Any sentences in italics are spoken in the native language of the character**
> 
> Italien/French:  
> Oddio - (oh) my god  
> Merde - shit

 

There are moments in everyone’s lives where at some point, time will slow right in front of your eyes. You will be powerless to stop it; your mind will cease to work as it usually would, your body will move slow like wading through tar. People seem to move like a blur around you, and nothing makes sense. Your senses fade out and leave you in a void; only sight hinting to the situation unfolding in front of you. It is a lonely moment of fear, panic, and calm all in one. All of this happens in only a few seconds, but it feels like a life time.

In this exact moment, Victor stopped breathing altogether. He watched as Yuuri leapt up into his jump, but saw wide and fearful eyes as he entered the third rotation. He landed on his ankle, the rest of his body hitting the ice with such force; but the ear-splitting _crack_ when Yuuri hit his head silenced the entire arena.

And then there was nothing. No sound. No movement. Nothing.

Victor felt every part of his insides drop through the floor, and in an instant his heart stopped and then started to beat harder than it ever had all at once. His mouth hung open, eyes wide; his chest lurched like he was going to be sick, but instead a broken cry escaped him. Before he even knew what was happening he was over the wall of the rink, running and falling and crawling to get to Yuuri. It was desperate and panicked, and all he could think about was how Yuuri hadn’t moved an inch since he had hit the ice. He had started to scream his name, the only thing coherent about his words.

He reached Yuuri before anyone else, but froze as he neared him. He didn’t know what to do, he wanted to hold him, cradle him, protect him from any more harm; but he knew that bones would be broken and it would be more dangerous to try move him. Victor desperately grabbed at the edge of Yuuri’s sleeve where his left arm was by his side, but as he did it squelched. He looked to his hand and saw blood everywhere, and as he looked down he realised that what he though was the red of his costume was warm, sticky blood pooling around the ice.

Victor sat back and froze. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t cry. He could only stare at Yuuri’s limp, crooked body lying on the ice.

Suddenly paramedics were flying in next to him, calling things at Yuuri and checking his limbs for any injury. It was frantic and the crowd had now started to let out small screams and panicked mumbles. Victor was still in shock and unable to move or take his eyes off the back of Yuuri’s head; his hair was matt on the ice with water and blood. But then a hand on his shoulder dragged him back to reality like he had been in a bubble.

“Victor, it’s alright, it’s okay.” _Chris._ “They know what they’re doing, we should get off the ice and wait for the ambulance.”

Christophe’s voice echoed in his head before he acknowledged what he had said. “ _No…_ ” Victor mumbled, “ _I can’t-_ I can’t leave him.” Saying those words aloud to himself started to set in a panic that set his heart racing. “I can’t leave him. He needs to wake up, I need to be there,” his breath started to get shaky and cold, “I need to hear him, he must say something! Yuuri! _Please, Yuuri!_ ”

Chris hauled Victor to his feet, holding him up as Victor started to shout for Yuuri. More paramedics flew onto the ice with a stretcher, shouting in Italian. Victor was terrified and livid, he desperately wanted to stay by Yuuri’s side, anything else felt wrong – like he was leaving him alone and hurt. He hit at Christophe’s arms as they got off the ice onto solid ground, “I need to stay with him! I need to stay with him!” he cried over and over.

Chris was urgently trying to calm Victor down, especially as there were still press and cameras around trying to capture every moment of the tragic event. As Victor was starting to shout more and more, Michele ran over to them looking out of breath.

“There is an ambulance outside already for Yuuri. I overheard the paramedics saying they need to get him there as soon as possible,” Victor had turned around at this point with the most fearful look in his eye, to which Michele gave an acknowledging nod, “I’ll come with you. I’ll let them know who you are and tell you what’s going on.”

It should have eased Victor’s mind but he only kept thinking about Yuuri. He turned around expecting to see him still surrounded by medics on the ice, but there was only smeared blood left where he had been. Victor’s pulse raced looking for Yuuri and he felt like he might start hyperventilating; but then he spotted the stretcher being rushed out of the emergency exit, and in all of two seconds in which he registered this, he was sprinting to the same location. He pushed through a crowd of photographers with no remorse, and passed a few other contestants; JJ was talking seriously to his coach, and Leo was comforting an incredibly distressed Phichit who was wailing for his beloved friend.

Phichit’s cries echoed out behind him as he flew out the exit to follow the stretcher that was being raced down the road to the awaiting ambulance. He soon caught up as Yuuri’s lifeless body was being rushed into the vehicle, paramedics giving him oxygen and temporary fluids. Victor tried desperately to clamber into the ambulance – still calling for Yuuri – but the people inside only started to shout words at him he didn’t understand; pushing him away from the doors.

“Victor! Victor, wait!” Michele shouted from behind, “Let me help! Wait!” Then Michele was at Victor’s side, aggressively speaking with the medics and gesturing wildly back and forth between Victor and Yuuri.

“You?” One of the people seated by Yuuri pointed to Victor, “You’re with him?”

“Yes! Yes, please let me see him, please,” Victor choked out, begging with every inch of his body.

“Get in, hurry we have to go,” the man called, waving a hand towards him.

Victor leapt into the ambulance as he heard Chris yell over his shoulder that they would get to the hospital as soon as they could, but he almost didn’t hear as he finally got his first proper look at Yuuri’s face, he was so mortified that he could hardly look away. Yuuri’s face was a sickly shade of yellow and purple over the bridge of his nose, a tar-like black matted all over it. His lip was cut and slowly dripping blood that spilled down to his chin, pooling at his collarbones. Just above his left eyebrow his head was dark and swollen, flesh burning and visible. His right wrist looked crooked and eerily out of place; fingers splayed out like claws. He looked lifeless and cold. His beautiful Yuuri.

People around him turned to a blur, the shouting and the sound of the siren ringing out in his ears. Victor reached out a shaky hand to Yuuri’s left hand. It was cold, unmoving. Victor remembered every time they had held hands; walking amongst the snow in St. Petersburg at Christmas, dancing on the beach, watching the blossom in Hasetsu in the spring, walking Maccachin together, every night before they would fall asleep. Every time they walked, sat, stood, lay side by side it was a reflex to grab on to the other; to hold on and find comfort in their anchor. But right now, for the first time, Victor reached out to Yuuri with no response. It felt alien and pulled at his heart dangerously tight.

“Move! Move!”

Victor had hardly noticed the ambulance stop; suddenly his world crashed back into the present day. The medics were rushing out of the back doors and took Yuuri away from his hold; it made Victor want to cry out; he was keeping him warm. Yuuri was so _cold_.

Victor stumbled out of the vehicle and followed the paramedics into the doors of the accident and emergency unit. People sat in chairs flinched and snapped up at the sudden madness of the crew flying in, using Yuuri’s stretcher to crash through the doors. Victor wanted to scream at them to be more careful, but he only let out small cries each time they burst through another pair of doors.

They were heading for another set when a hand pushed Victor back. “You, stay. Can’t go here, stay,” one of the medics instructed him.

Panic started to buzz through Victor’s veins; his eyes were everywhere trying to spot Yuuri, he could hardly handle a coherent sentence, “ _No…_ no please, please I need to be there. _Let-_ I just, I need to- please, please, _please!_ ”

He was starting to hyperventilate again, but he was getting angry; he needed to be by Yuuri’s side. He needed to know Yuuri was being taken care of, that he was going to be alright.

“Sir, sit over there. We find you when we know more.” And with nothing else said, the medic ran through the forbidden doors, and Victor was left alone.

He stood deadly still. All he could feel was his heart thumping so hard in his chest like it would be visible through his skin. All he could hear was sirens and shouting; ice skates and screaming, blood pumping in his ears. And Yuuri; Yuuri’s sweet words: ‘I love you more.’

A terrifyingly loud scream erupted from Victor like a clap of thunder in a storm. He raged through the halls of the hospital until he was outside breathing in bitter air of ambulance fumes and cigarette smoke of toiled loved ones. He paced, and paced, and paced, and paced. He wracked his mind to think of anything he could do to help. He could call in private doctors, the best in the world. He could murder all the press and their prying eyes. He could talk to someone at the hospital of how recklessly they barged the stretcher through the corridors. A blind rage seeped through his skin and made his fingers start to shake. Victor grinded his teeth and lashed out as many curses he could muster before stopping in his tracks.

Yuuri’s face flashed in his mind. Smiling. Bruised. Laughing. Bloody. Beautiful. _Broken_.

Victor felt his stomach lurch as he heaved up his insides onto the pavement of the hospital. His throat burned as he fell to his knees, clutching his abdomen. His body continued to shake, dry heaving and coughing to the ground. Victor’s heart cried in his chest as he tried to calm himself down, shamefully staring at his own mess on the floor in front of him. He sat back for a moment, his eyes beginning to sting, before he felt a knee kick him to the side.

He collapsed onto his arm before looking up in shock. “ _He’s going to be fine, isn’t he? Isn’t he!_ ”

“ _Yurio_ ,” Victor breathed out, bewildered. It was Yuri. Young, frightened, terrified, Yuri. Victor stood to face him and his chest only ached more at the sight of him. Yuri was older now, taller, lanky; all arms and legs from where he’d grown in the past year. His hair had grown out and was tied back in a messy ponytail; hairs askew over his face. He was older, but he still looked so young. His face was soft and youthful, and presently plagued all over with fear. His eyes were wide and eyebrows screwed together, scrunching up his nose.

He was notably out of breath, and started to yell, “ _How could that fucking idiot not have been able to tell he wasn’t going fast enough for that jump? It was painfully obvious, he’s the favourite to win World’s and can’t even get his speed right! He’s fucking stupid, how could he mess that up?_ ” Half way through his shouting, Victor had noticed droplets pooling in Yuri’s eyes. Victor’s mind went blank and cold. “ _He’s an idiot! He’s such a fucking idiot!_ ”

Victor reached out his arms and pulled Yuri in close and tight. He was a fraction taller than Yuuri and thinner than him too. Victor squeezed his arms tight to try and stop his arms from shaking.

“ _Say, Yuri,_ ” Victor whispered, “ _Yuuri did great in his performance, right? Didn’t he do well. His jumps were perfect._ ”

“ _What?_ ”

“ _You know I wanted to get married to him soon. I was going to tell you today. Isn’t Yuuri going to be surprised tomorrow when I propose. He’ll be so happy_.” Victor could feel the weight of the golden ring in his left inside pocket. “ _So happy…_ ”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Yuri hissed. He felt hot tears start to bubble over his eyes and race down his face in large droplets. They felt onto Victor’s coat, leaving dark dagger like stripes down the collar. He could feel victor’s heart rate thumping a mile a minute, and felt his hands start to quiver as he gripped hard to the back of the frame keeping him together, “ _fuck, fuck… fuck…_ ”

 

* * *

 

 

A couple of hours had passed since Yuuri had been raced into hospital. Chris and Michele had arrived not long after Victor, but found him shortly after Yuri got to him first. They all sat and paced in the waiting room; Michele had taken up the position of fighting off the press along with Yakov who arrived later. No one messed with Yakov once he boomed at them to stay away and to stop being so inappropriate at such a time; they all ran away like dogs with tails between their legs. Not long after Phichit had arrived with Leo, eyes burning red and hot with tears that were still falling in silver streaks down his face. He was sat between Chris and Leo, Chris providing a comforting hand around his shoulder, trying to ease his quiet sobs with gentle humour for the fragile boy. Yurio had been crying on and off for the first hour, and then curled up in one of the chairs next to Victor, hoodie covering his face and not making a sound.

Victor sat soullessly. His eyes had been dark and unfocused for hours. Every so often his bottom lip would twitch, threatening to let out a cry, but he couldn’t find anything inside him that would allow it. His hands and feet had long been tingling with unmoving static, but he didn’t care. His mouth was dry and his eyes burned, but he didn’t care. All he could think about over and over was Yuuri’s petrified eyes before he had fallen. What had Yuuri been thinking about? He must have been terrified. The last thing he felt would have been fear, worry, terror, pain. The thought of it made Victor’s blood run cold and stale through his veins.

The room had been silent when a voice broke the tension, “Yuuri Katsuki?”

Like gasping for breath after nearly drowning, Victor staggered forward at the sound of Yuuri’s name. He flew over to the doctor with Michele in tow and desperately called to the man to give him good news as his chest pulsated.

The doctor turned to Michele and began to speak hurriedly, referring to a clipboard he was clutching in his hands, “He’s got a lot of minor injuries,” Michele translated. The doctor spoke for a long time, listing off things on the paper he was holding; the longer it went on the more Victor began to sink into panic. Michele let out a deep breath and frowned, wracking an anxious hand through his hair, “ _Oddio_ , there’s a lot. He’s broken his nose, his wrist, and fractured a collarbone. He’s also broken a few ribs and chipped one of his bottom teeth.”

Victor held his breath as the doctor continued and Michele nodded sternly, “They did a CT scan of his head in the past hour but there seems to be no significant damage. They’re certain he has concussion from the fall.” He paused again, and Victor tried to calm himself down after hearing that there wasn’t any serious damage to Yuuri’s head. Michele continued, “They aren’t certain when he’ll wake up because of the force of the hit.”

“Well how long could it take?” Victor practically yelled, his voice hoarse from not speaking.

Michele waited, “He says any time from a few hours to a few days. It could be longer though; there’s no way to tell.” Victor desperately wanted to shout again, but instead he dragged his hand through his hair over and over, nodding shakily as he went to sit back down with the others.

“What did the doctor say? Victor?” Phichit called anxiously, tears already starting to collect at the brim of his eyes.

“They don’t know when he’ll wake up,” was all Victor could manage, he felt this throat get sticky like he was going to cry, but his eyes were dry and stinging.

Phichit started to cry again; palms crushing into his eyes. Leo curled his arms around the boy, trying hard not to get upset himself. No one there had really realised how important Yuuri was to Phichit until now; Leo himself had known Phichit for a few years and not once had he ever seen him cry, let alone wail and weep like he was afraid for the worst. It had already shattered his heart to hear his boyfriend’s broken sobs on the phone from China when he had let him know what had happened, let alone to have one of his closest friends breaking down beside him.

Chris stood up and let out a tense breath, setting a firm hand on Victor’s shoulder, “If this is the case, then I think it’s better if we all go find somewhere to all calm down, get something to eat – and drink-”

Victor’s eyes shot up to him in panic. “But what if he wakes up? He needs me here!”

Chris knelt in front of Victor so he met his petrified gaze and used a soft tone with him, “Victor, we’re no use to Yuuri taking up space in a waiting room when we’re all tired and exhausted. Also, have you called his parents? They might not even know where he is; they’ll be worried.”

Victor’s gut curled in on itself with guilt; he’d only been thinking about himself, not even considering the fact that Yuuri’s family would have just seen him fall on live television with no more information than a shot of him motionless and covered in blood on the ice. Chris gave another squeeze of Victor’s shoulder and gave him a small understanding smile.

“Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

After leaving the hospital they all went back to the hotel Victor, Christophe and Yuri were staying in and stayed close together. Victor immediately called Yuuri’s home in Hasetsu when they were in the car. He got through to Yuuri’s father after two rings; he told Victor that Mari, her mother and Minako had already left for the airport an hour ago. Victor held back on the details of Yuuri’s injuries over the phone because he didn’t want to cause Yuuri’s father anymore grief; he was trying to sound collected over the phone whilst talking to Victor. His voice broke only once, but it was enough to let Victor know that he was just as scared as everyone else.

After that they all just sat together in the lobby of the hotel until hours had passed since the accident. Michele, Phichit and Leo had decided to go back to their hotel, even Yuri had left without a word back to his room. Victor had considered going to his room, but the thought of still being able to smell Yuuri’s soft scent on the sheets of their bed, and to see his things scattered over the floor next to his own made him feel sick. In the end, he let Chris take him to the bar in the next room over.

Two double shots of neat bourbon whiskey were pushed to them from the other side of the bar as Chris passed over a few bills. Chris immediately drank his in less than a few seconds before hissing out a sharp breath, “ _Merde_.”

Victor swirled the alcohol in the glass; he didn’t feel like drinking, he knew it would probably only make him feel worse.

“It’ll ease the tension,” Chris cut into Victor’s thoughts of doubt, “drink.”

Regrettably, Victor winced before downing his glass. The taste was warm and bitter and sat in his stomach uncomfortably. “I’d have preferred vodka,” he croaked.

Chris laughed lightly, “Russians, huh?” He wanted to add more, but couldn’t think of anything to ease his friend’s pain, so he left it to a comfortable yet eerie silence. He ordered another double before attempting to start up the conversation again. “I always seem to forget that what we do is dangerous. We get used to all the jumps and flips and seem to forget that tragedies like this can happen amongst the most beautiful skaters.”

Victor irked, “Don’t try to make this sound romantic, Chris.”

Chris back-peddled quickly, “I didn’t mean for it to, sorry. I meant it sincerely; Yuuri is a very talented skater and it’s such an awful shame for this to have happened,” he gave a small glance over to Victor as he leaned his chin in his palm, “You must have felt his pain with him.”

Victor rolled his liqueur glass anxiously in his hands, he could only manage a grunt in return; he was trying extremely hard not to relive that moment for the umpteenth time.

“What’s it like to be that in love with someone?” Chris pondered aloud. Victor looked over to him cautiously and curiously. Chris held his glass up to the light and twisted it to see it glisten and dance light onto his palms, “How is it to feel what they feel? Seems almost magical; but also, a curse, _non?_ ”

“It’s never felt like a curse,” Victor replied quietly, “more like a blessing.”

Chris made small smile, “A blessing? How so?”

Victor thought tentatively before replying, but he was raw right now, and so let his words fall free, “Having someone who sees all of you – everything that you try to hide and everything on display – and they still want you. They still want to hold you, and laugh with you. You feel like such a thing isn’t allowed. In Russian, there is a phrase: _Bez tvayey lyubvI mne schast'ya net._ It means ‘there is no happiness without your love’. I used to think it was just poetry before Yuuri, but he made it make sense to me.”

There was a moments silence before Chris took Victor’s hand in his own and squeezed so tight. No words had to be said; Victor was thankful for the harsh grip keeping him grounded. It was like everything he needed to hear was in that hand hold. They stayed like that for a long time.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day rolled around and Victor had stayed the night at the hospital; he had grabbed a few things from the hotel room quickly and left as soon as he could. Yuuri’s family has also arrived that morning after flying through the night. They were straight to Yuuri’s bedside to see him, but eventually the doctor told them they shouldn’t all crowd the room and they were left to wander the waiting rooms of the hospital. However eventually Minako suggested similarly to what Chris had suggested - that they all go somewhere else to get a breather.

They had then gone out together for a morosely melancholic breakfast together. Hardly any words were shared; Mari had been trying hard not to cry since seeing Yuuri lying in the hospital bed. The image was still haunting Victor. Yuuri had looked more human than he had in the ambulance when he had been painted black and blue like tar. In the hospital bed, he had been changed into all white – clinical and sterile. For the most part, his body looked intact, but he had a shoulder immobiliser on his right arm and a brace looping around his shoulders and a cast on his wrist. His face had swollen up a lot and was a sickly yellow and purple; bruised heavily around his bandaged nose and forehead and an oxygen mask was fixed over his mouth, wheezing out steady foggy breaths.

It was better than seeing Yuuri covered in blood all mangled on the ice, but seeing him lying in a hospital bed made everything sink in. It made him want to be sick again.

Throughout the day, they traveled back and forth from the hospital taking turns on who would stay by Yuuri’s side. Mari switched out a lot as she would get too upset seeing her little brother. The other skaters came in to visit too, all too hopeful that Yuuri would already be awake. People came and went, but Victor had decided not to leave Yuuri’s side.

Slowly the day started to wind to a close and Victor was politely asked to leave by the hospital staff as visiting hours were over, so he returned to the hotel for a pointless night of no sleep, before returning the next day. And the next day. And the next.

“ _Vic-chan_ ,” Yuuri’s mother called softly as she entered the hospital door. Victor looked up to her through dark and heavy eyes, managing a strained smile, “ _Vic-chan, you should get some rest, you look so tired._ ”

It took Victor a while before formulating the sentence in Japanese that he had started learning for Yuuri a year ago, “ _Sorry, I don’t mean to make you worry._ ”

Yuuri’s mother gave him such a kind look before coming over to him and pulling him into a small embrace. She held the back of his head – Victor noticed her hand was shaking, “ _Please go get some rest, Vic-chan. It would upset Yuuri so much to see you like this._ ”

Victor swallowed hard as her words sunk in. She must be worried about him too. Victor had spent so much time with the Katsuki’s since first meeting them; he had become so fond of Yuuri’s mother. She was soft and warm – so much of her reminded him of Yuuri, yet he could see where he got his stubbornness from through her too. She was so loving and loved to take care of Victor when he came to visit, cooking him all sorts of wonderful dishes and making sure he could use the onsen whenever he pleased. He very much treasured her.

“ _Yes, I’m sorry._ ” Victor whispered before standing from his chair next to Yuuri’s bed. She took his hand in hers and gave him a tired smile to which Victor returned one as well.

He took one last look at Yuuri before leaving the room to stretch his legs. He wandered over to a nearby vending machine to get a bottle of water, checking his phone at the same time. He would often not use his phone when sitting in with Yuuri as he’d be too lost in thought, so it had been very neglected the past few days. He had a lot of missed texts from many people; Chris had texted him a few times asking if he wanted to chat at all, Yurio had called him twice, Phichit had constantly been asking for updates, even his own parents had texted once after hearing the news.

Victor sighed as he put his phone back in his pocket and then leant against the wall of the corridor. He closed his eyes and thought of Yuuri. Thought of when they met in Hasetsu, their first Grand Prix Final, the many trips they had been on. But every time he tried to think of something happy, Yuuri’s bloodied face shot into his memories like a bullet. Victor grit his teeth and hit his head back against the wall in frustration. The person he needed most right now was the one he was trying hardest to get off his mind.

Victor was so caught up in his own frustrations that he hardly noticed the commotion that had started around him. Nurses were running past him, rapidly talking to each other in words foreign to himself, but it was urgent. There was shouting and beeping, all coming from around the end of the corridor, he would have moved himself away from the distress if he hadn’t had heard one voice above them all.

_Yuuri._

Without thinking his legs were already sprinting down the long corridor, working his way back from where he had come. Yuuri’s voice was getting louder and louder. He recognised his tone and flashed back to the cup of China when Yuri had broken down in front of him in the car park – he was scared, shouting, angry. Victor moved quicker hearing Yuuri’s panic until he crashed into the backs of nurses who were blocking the doorway.

“Get out of the way! Get out the way!” Victor was trying to yell above the chaos, “Yuuri! Yuuri!”

He was screaming and shouting for Yuuri before he burst through the wall of people blocking his path. He stumbled into the room to see Yuuri thrashing around on the bed, Doctors trying desperately to hold him down to stop him from worsening his injuries. Yuuri’s mother was crying and calling for her son to calm down, reassuring him that she was right there next to him, but nothing seemed to calm him down.

Victor wanted to get closer to him, but Yuuri started to scream even louder. “ _Where am I?! Get off me, let go! What’s going on?! Where am I?!_ ” he repeated the phrases over and over and over. Victor was practically clawing through the nurses that were pushing him back out. There were so many people in that room that needed to leave; but he was _not_ one of them.

Victor furiously tried to explain to the nurses, “Let me in there right now! I’m his partner, he needs me! I’m his partner!” but nothing seemed to get through.

Panic settled hard and fast in Victor’s thumping chest as the door was firmly shut and no one was allowed in, and all he could do was listen to his poor Yuuri sobbing and shouting through the walls. It set his whole body on fire, he wanted more than anything in this world to be sat beside Yuuri, telling him that it would be okay, that it didn’t matter about the World’s, that he was going to be alright, that he loved him. God, he wanted to tell him a thousand times and more how much he loved him.

Ultimately, he was even asked to leave the corridors because Victor was also making a commotion by banging on the door to let him in, blind to the fact he was potentially worsening the situation inside. He was pacing furiously around the waiting room, his stomach once again threatening to beside him. His heart was beating so hard and fast in his chest he could feel it pulsating throughout his whole body. Tension wracked through him as all he could think about was how scared Yuuri had sounded. All he wanted to do was hold him and let him know it was alright.

He turned around once more as he was pacing, but faced Yuuri’s mother as she came through two double doors from where Yuuri had been. He ran up to her and knelt to hold her shoulder and look at her face. “ _Is Yuuri alright? Is he hurt? What was wrong is he okay now?_ ” Victor babbled out in broken Japanese; his panic diminishing his translation.

It was only after speaking that he noticed how hard Yuuri’s mother was crying. She could hardly speak, “ _Vic-chan I- I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do,_ ” she sobbed.

Victor immediately lowered himself to hold the shorter woman, looking her in the eye, his own eyes widening quickly in panic, _“What’s happened?”_

_“I don’t know what to do, Victor. He doesn’t remember anything.”_

“ _What…?_ ”

“ _Yuuri doesn’t remember anything at all; not who he is, not skating, not me or our family. Not even you, Victor_.”

And with just that small sentence, Victor’s world came crashing down around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So happy my boys are engaged in canon but now it means my story is inaccurate ;v; lmao oh well we'll run with it.  
> Second installment of my angsty Victuuri fic, again I hope the characters aren't ooc - hoping with that mostly for the scene with Chris, him and Victor seem to be quite close after what we saw in ep.10 so I wanted to show that and it'll crop up again probably. Sorry for any typos too I end up editing these at 4am so it's usually not 100% ((also sorry if Yuuri's injury seems quite exaggerated ^^;;;))  
> Please feel free to drop a comment if you enjoyed this and thank you if you read all the way through!! x (don't know when I'll next update because I'm currently drowning in finals week help ;^;)

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter for a story of which I don't know how long it will be ;v; sorry in advance for the heartache I really am.. I really hope people enjoy this though, even if its just the first sickly sweet fluff in the hotel haha. I love yoi so much and really hope I did the characters justice and that my writing is okay, please leave a comment if you think there's anything to improve on I'd love to know  
> Thank you so much if you read the whole thing I can't tell you how much I appreciate it x


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